Today

I am tired. I am sore. I am exhausted. I am drained. Today was long and difficult. I hurt my back again, and hopefully with enough stretching and heating, I can work it out by tomorrow. There aren’t enough bodies to do what needs to be done right now – mine can’t be broken. My spirit can’t be broken. And in the moment, wallowing in the pain in all senses, it feels like it is. But I am stronger than that, I need to believe that.

My heart hurts so much for the families of the students I work with. So often they have nowhere to turn except to us, where we work tirelessly with their kids from the hours of 8:30-2:45 then let them go to their parents where they often suffer and we work even longer to help prevent that. My students are adults. When they leave us, there is nothing. I feel so hopeless. I feel.

When I come home I work hard to not try to escape the feeling. I need to feel, let it bleed through me. It’s those moments that I cut it off, that I don’t allow myself to cry, to be in pain, to be sad and sorrowful, those moments that it all goes wrong. I can’t bottle it up. That doesn’t work for me.

I want to have drive, to have desire. I want to love what I do. I want to have the passion I once had. I haven’t felt that in a while. Is it just because we are so short staffed at work? Is it because I see a bleak future for the bring young men and women I work with? Is it because I ate too much sugar and drank too much beer? Green tea, honey and soy milk can help with that one… for now.

I’m not the praying kind. I don’t believe in God. But if I did, I would pray now. Pray for healing and pray for passion and pay for a renewed sense of hope. I don’t believe in God – but I do believe in science. I know that there is a cause and an effect. There is an antecedent, a behavior and a consequence. I need to figure out how to adjust things in my life to alter my behavior – because just thinking about it, isn’t cutting it. That, I think, is what people hope that God will do. Change their circumstances. I can change my own. It’s a matter of how, what and bravery to do it.

I am tired. I am exhausted. My body is sore. But I will not be broken. I will achieve what I need to. I will survive, I will thrive and I will succeed. Tomorrow is another day. Today, for now, I will accept the things I cannot change, find courage to change the things that I can, and search for the wisdom to know the difference.

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