First off, I want to thank everyone who reached out for your loving words and support. I am blessed to have so many beautiful people in my life, you are all truly loving and compassionate people and I am there for you too. It’s comforting to know that there is such a support for me, my health and my well-being. I’m overwhelmed with the support that my job has given me, the encouragement to take care of myself. It’s true, you can’t take care of others until you take care of yourself first. And I needed to do that.
I’m home again today, which is not my ideal. I love my job and really miss it. But I have to say, it is stressful and I’m wondering how much of my seizure activity is sparked by stress. Though the last time it happened at work, it was going to be a great day, lots of productive work happening, what appeared to be low stress. Though I do know about pairing, obviously things could be paired with stressful situations. Either way, I need to find a medication that gets these things under control even in stressful situations, because guess what? Life is stressful sometimes. And I have chosen a profession that while it brings me great joy and satisfaction, gives me some sort of stressful moment just about every day.
Life as of now has been chronicled as this:
Crazy medication that makes me angry was stopped on Monday due to the fact that I had a seizure that day and it was obviously having very negative side effects. Went up on original medication to 175mg twice per day.
Tuesday was actually great. It was a bizarre feeling to experience the medication leaving my body – my energy slowly increased throughout the day and my ability to stay calm increased as well. It was like I could literally feel the medication wearing off moment by moment. I should have taken data on it (nerd alert). But unfortunate side effect of getting rid of the side effects, I slept horribly. Crazy medication was making me so tired that I slept so solid and was rested (sort of). Going off of that made me sleep unrestfully (not a word in the dictionary, apparently).
Wednesday… not so good. It all fell apart in the morning. Another day like that original one where I was having seizures, pretty much constantly. I couldn’t believe it, it was so strange. It’s a real trip to lose control of your mind. I can’t even describe how it feels. I was just sad and upset. I was frustrated with going into work, leaving in the morning, leaving other staff to deal with my abrupt absence. I called my doctor and they recommended getting my blood drawn and going up to 200mg twice per day. I had seizures all day. My mom came to rescue me and drove me around to the lab to get blood work to the pharmacy to get more meds and just to be with me. I didn’t want to be alone. That’s what moms are for. I love her. I have extremely supportive parents. Dad called and kept checking in, mom stayed while I laid on the couch and watched TV. Brandon came home and helped me sleep by rubbing my back for an hour until I was out. I had a great night’s sleep.
Thursday, I stayed home (called in Wednesday night due to the crazy day I was having on Wednesday). The medication seemed to be working. I had a raging headache most of the day, either due to meds, seizures or forgetting that chai had caffeine and accidentally having a cup after being caffeine free for a day. I saw my doctor and we came up with a plan. He told me that it takes approximately 5 doses of this medication to be fully active, so by Saturday morning I should know how I’m doing. I was continuing to debate about going to work on Friday, not knowing how this medication would effect me fully until Saturday.
Friday, I made the tough call at 7:00 to stay home one more day. There is this incredible feeling of guilt when I’m not at work and not feeling like I’m on my death bed. I love being there, miss it and feel guilty that I’m at home with my pets. But again, I need to bring it back to the fact that I am taking control of myself and taking care of myself. My doctor told me not to drive for a few days due to the higher dose of this medication just to see how it would effect me. So the option of driving in then coming home is out, plus that makes it more stressful for everyone else to have to change things mid-day. See, going back to how stressed out I make other people in efforts to heal. I need to not do that. I need to heal.
But I am scared. Scared of not healing. What if this is forever? I know that it won’t be, this is only the second week that this is effecting me, but it feels like a lifetime. Fear is not something I handle well. Insecurity is not something I handle well. I cry. And I hate crying (almost as much as I hate vomiting… and that says something). I’ve become obsessed (again) with Lost and I keep thinking about that story that Jack tells Kate on their first day at the beach, how he was performing surgery on a woman and it went wrong and he became afraid. He let the fear consume him for 5 full seconds, but that was it. He took control back. I need to do that. Thanks obsessive television shows for helping me cope.
So now, hopefully this blog can be a way to share my positive outlook on life, as it was meant to be, with cooking, creating and living sustainably. Let’s try to get back to that, shall we?
(By the way, I have two amazing beers in the fermenters right now – Scotch Ale with Rye #3 and my Belgian Triple in honor of our Trip to Belgium)