My brain(mind)(life)

As we all now know, I have epilepsy. This is my journey, and it will be forever.This weekend, my life changed in an instant. In an airport. In Minnesota. I couldn’t have chosen a better place for my life to come crumbling down; there were paramedics on hand, we were minutes away from the hospital and I was with my savior, my fellow teacher who handled my crisis with grace and love. I had a grand-mal seizure. Two, in fact. I broke through my current treatment plan with fire.

I could have made better life/health choices this weekend. I probably drank too much, didn’t sleep enough, and with a result of those two things, wasn’t able to take my medication soon enough on Monday morning. I say these things knowing that these combination of events are not unknown to my brain. Not that they happen often, but it’s not unheard of that I accidentally skip a dose of meds. And I never thought that much of it because I didn’t have the “dangerous” kinds of seizures. I never thought. NEVER thought.

I don’t remember most of Monday and very little of Tuesday. Tuesday morning I woke up in a hospital bed. In Minnesota. I keep saying that because of how bizarre it was. How scary it was. I was not at home. I was not with my family, with my husband. I found solace in my friend who was there for me, my angel, my saving grace. She contacted my mom, my husband, took care of adjusting flights and finding another hotel. She filled the paramedics and emergency room staff in on everything she knew of me medically (THANK YOU FOR KNOWING I AM ALLERGIC TO TYLENOL).

I can’t imagine what this must have looked like from another person’s perspective. I lost control of my body and my mind. I don’t remember anything I said or did. I got the hiccups and because I hurt my back while I was seizing, I screamed every time I hiccuped because of the intense pain. I wince now when I sneeze, today. I apparently talked to my family, and even wrote a relatively eloquent facebook post from my phone chronicling the event. I did and said things and I do not remember them.

I pretty much don’t remember Monday through Wednesday. Snippets here and there that help remind me that it happened. I’m pretty worried that there might have been some sort of brain damage – I got to work this morning and couldn’t remember some basic things about staff training and organization. I keep forgetting things. Hopefully I am still just recovering. There’s the big old “what if” hanging there though. I had an EEG on Wednesday and have an appointment with my neurologist a week from today to go over the results.

I want a plan – particularly a driving plan. I am banned from driving for at least a month until I can get myself sorted out, and until we can be relatively certain that this isn’t a pattern. I don’t know how we will ever be certain but as confident as we can to call it safe for me to operate a vehicle. This limit frustrates me. I don’t like being contained and reliant on others. I never liked being dependent and especially now, I really don’t. What if I can never drive again? I need my life to be normal. I NEED to be normal.

What I need most of all though is to maintain a positive attitude. I have people who love me. I have a job that is fulfilling. I have a world that accepts me for who I am and encourages me to grow and learn. And I have love. I have that.

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One thought on “My brain(mind)(life)

  1. Thinking of you, Steph. Having a chat with my higher power about you. Hope it doesn’t burn your ears. 🙂

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